Insomnia...

I kinda not been myself lately. I mean its like I got something going inside by mind which has made the things I feel.. I do.. I see.. unclear and a total mystery. Though I am showing an "ok" vibe to the outside deep down there is something that is burning me. these emotions mixed with sadness , frustration, tiredness , loneliness etc etc is piling up on my head and is causing slow but steady damage which I doing my freaking best to avoid by not staying alone . by blogging, by doing things I love to do.

Still there is some problem and I know it. I haven't gone out for sometime now you know to have some fun one mega day of fun fun fun. I was not an outgoing regular from the start but I did go out whenever I wanted to with friends or without friends. I even went once to watch a movie alone sharing three seats in the cinema all by myself and had a mega time.But now I cannot do anything I don't even go to the supermarket I only go for work and come home which in reality sucks really sucks but why cannot I go out ? well I got this fear about going out the current security situation in the country has created a fear in my mind. I went to Kandy to see the Tooth Relic of Lord Buddha a few weeks back I was scared to go to it due to the security concerns but my parents dragged me off which in the end was really good thing they did cos I got to see something amazing that lasts a lifetime. But what I heard the next day was scary a person was caught having a bomb near Dalada Maligawa and 3 people have lost their lives. This got me panicking what if I have gone on that day ? what if it happened the day I went ?? these thoughts have kept me scared right throughout till today and has created a phobia in my mind which has prevented me from going out to parties , dinners and trips which my friends have invited me which anti climaxed in me loosing some friends I thought were close to me.

I have also been thinking of my family a lot lately. I see these dreams of my grandma who passed away in November everyday. I think about my Brother with whom I don't get to speak to regularly and when I can it lasts for just 10 minutes ( FUCK AMERICA !!) and also my dad , mom and sis with whom I don't get to spend some quality time due to the busyness of our lives. its frustrating , its sad and its pathetic..

Also I got these erotic feelings stuck in my head as well. Whenever I see a gal who is pretty my mind try to give me the wrong interpretations. It paint's a picture which is sometimes erotic sometimes nasty and sometimes romantic. Lately it has given me these signs that says that I have a crush on a fellow blogger in the Sri Lankan Blogsphere. A CRUSH ON A BLOGGER?? WITHOUT EVEN SEEING THE PERSON ? it could be right it could be right.. maybe I have fallen for the way she writes and has created that emotional atrachment that makes me read her blog everyday.. if its regarding that then the crush is totally ok for me .. I would love or marry her today if the crush is like that =D but I think its not like that .. I think its more than that of blogging.. it could be something else .. or nothing at all.. damn I dont know.. my mind is playing games with me again..

Even the song list I have in my phone strangely defines the way I am feeling right now. Here are the songs I have in my phone right now I am sure when u see that you can get an idea too.

Shinedown - Staring down the barrel of a 45

AlterBridge - Open Your Eyes

Lil Wayne - Lolipop

Robbie Williams - Feel

Shindown - In Memory

Powderfinger My Happiness

The Calling - Wherever You Will Go

Papa Roach - Scars


The most weird thing is each of the above songs defines what I am feeling right now. its like my mind is telling me to listen to these songs over and over again and though i like the songs very very much this has created a major dilemma in my head and is soooo confusing as well..

Anyways in a positive note I think these things r happening to me for a reason . A reason which could define the rest of my life forever. I got these major dreams in my mind that I want to accomplish sooo much and I think these things are making me to realize these dreams by focusing on them, having a less number of friends whom I can trust and rely on.. having the backing of my family whom I love more than anything and having a gal who will come to me someday without a sign( who knows it could be this blogger whom I have this crush on =D). well if that's what my mind wants for me "ILL ACCEPT THAT" and "I WILL DO THAT "and whatever happens "I AM NOT GONNA STOP" and when the mindset is right "I WILL CHASE MY DREAMS AND BE WHOM I WANNA BE" I was born in this world for a reason and I will define that reason and do my part to make myself happy and make others happy who are dependent on me to be happy.


I WILL REALIZE MY DREAMS I am sure about that and its the ideal time to start I guess without worrying too much about this Insomnia Attacks..

However to realize my dreams I need to get some good Sleep first and dream in my Sleep =D. I haven't had a good sleep since the last weekend and that has also this insomnia situation and has not helped me during work as well..

So "1st Sleep , 2nd Get Up and 3rd Achieve Your Dreams" that's my motto for the moment =D.

Wish Me Luck and Here's for a New Beginning...

Until Next Time

~Peace~

add to del.icio.us saved by 0 users